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08/29/08 - (1)
Doing His Bit
Once he decided to waddle on board the eco-friendly bandwagon, Do his bit for humanity and all creatures great and microscopic, Contribute to the "greening" of America, it got easy, easier — His method, that is, his messianic vision, for "getting it done," Doing what he had to do, winning one for the Gipper, Hitting a home run, for the home team, on its own home field. By shedding ten, thirty, fifty-five, one hundred six pounds, He began to change the world, in dramatically gradual fashion. The less food he consumed, the less that farmers had to produce, Which translated into fewer gallons of gas pumped, to propel tractors, Fewer kilowatts of electricity generated, To harvest, slaughter, irradiate, package, and display food. But his self-imposed reduction of personal body-fat Had even more radical ramifications for society. Less intake equated, directly, to less waste defecated, urinated, Which, in turn, meant far fewer cubic liters of potable water To be delivered to the toilets he visited far less frequently, Which, in turn, meant the requisitioning of fewer urinal and bowl cakes, Which, in turn, meant fewer chemical fumes escaping factory flues, Which, in turn, meant less acid-rain-engendered smog, Which, in turn, meant encouraging more people to run marathons. And as an unintended consequence, his total loss of 255 pounds Cured his type-2 diabetes, hypertension, and erectile dysfunction. His obesity became a dead horse he could no longer beat. To say that he was proud of his physically conspicuous efforts To "leave his campsite better than he found it" Would be a gross understatement; he was prouder than a gamecock, Knowing that his "small step for man" Would be seen, in the future, on the History Channel, on Google, Not only as that but as one jolly, green, giant leap for mankind. But something was missing, other than his one-eighth of a ton. At thirty-three pounds, he felt as though his existence Was still weighing too heavily on Mother Earth, causing her to wince. For the next month, he embarked on a forced-march starvation diet Of air, sunshine, and the occasional swig of rain. At the end, weighing not half an ounce more than his bones, He effected his greatest contribution to environmental sustainability, By setting his skeletal self aflame, thereby reducing his carbon footprint To mere ashes the wind gratefully consumed.
08/29/08 - (1)
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