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01/02/09
Herbert Ferber
Long after his parents, Durward and Lurlene Ferber, Were laid, unceremoniously, in their graves, He denigrated them, for having done him the great disservice
Of naming him Herbert, even though, in and of itself, His Christian name seemed an innocuous-enough appellation, And in point of fact, it was; "Herbert" was benign.
But when fused, mated, conjugated with his surname, "Herbert" took on a rather aggravating vowel-chiming sound That grated on him and drove others to laughter or ridicule.
"What's your name, sir?" "Herbert Ferber." "No, really. Please, just tell us your name, for our records." "It's Ferber — Herbert Ferber."
"Did you say Ferbert Herber? Could you please repeat that?" "No, it's Herbert, as in 'her bert'; Ferber, as in 'fur burr.'"
Often, Herbert would use one of his handy nicknames, Hoping to divert undo attention; Occasionally, "Herbie," "Herb," "Burt," or "Bert" would work.
But more often, that didn't discourage people From aberrating his name, for their own amusement, Attempting to be clever, witty, nasty, smart-ass:
"Herbert Ferburger," "Humbert Hoover," "Hubert Humbert," "Hobart Farber," "Herbie Ferbisseneh," "Hebert Furpiece," "Ferbert Hurburger," "Berfurt Herber," "Ferberbert Herberdinck."
To say that he spent his days hating Durward and Lurlene, For burdening him with such a nominal nuisance, Would be considerably more than a gross understatement.
He abominated them, in their death, as he had when they lived. To this day, why he's never opted for an official name change Remains an unexplained enigma...
Or maybe not. Once, down at the gasworks, during his skeleton shift, Herbert Ferber confided, to a fellow worker,
Something to the effect that his name, Herbert Ferber, That which made him the object of so much humiliation From those getting in their malicious little and big digs,
Was, in fact, his one and only saving grace, in life, The sole source of any and all attention paid him. His real regret was that he wasn't "Boobly" or "Rebsaw" Ferber.
01/02/09
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