Archive
03/19/09 - (1)
Immaculate Conception
On turning twenty-three, Already a recently divorced mother of six and a half kids (The half resulting from a stillbirth she insisted on counting),
Ginger Free experienced a life-altering "change of life." Her entire ovulation/gestation clock recalibrated itself, Abandoned its monthly/nine-monthly calendar, for a circadian/lunar one.
Most simply comprehended by a lay person's mind, Her fallopian tubes accommodated seeds daily, not monthly. She could, conceivably, conceive a child every day,
Could, indeed, gestate a baby every three and three-fourths weeks, Give birth as many as a dozen times a year. (And if she had multiple births naturally or mainlined fertility drugs,
Her annual output might be sky's-the-limit). By the time Ginger Free reached her thirtieth birthday (Still unhitched, of course, if not by choice), she had 90.5 offspring.
People magazine referred to her as the "Ronco Birth-a-Matic." In-vitro clinics had pictures of her, surrounded by her brood, Plastered all over their walls; abortion clinics didn't.
Needless to say, Pope Benedict XVI championed Ms. Free, Despite her out-of-wedlock status, As the Church's poster mother for encouraging robust "Pro-Life"ness.
By the day Ginger celebrated her forty-fourth nativity, She'd become the proud producer of 270 1/2 progeny. (Each of her flock got a piece of her twenty-two Black Forest cakes.)
That same year, she was inducted into the U.S. OB/GYN Hall of Fame, And the Vatican expedited her beatification and canonization, Proclaiming her "St. Ginger of the Bleeding Seed's Blessed Plenitude."
By the time St. Ginger had reached late middle-age, Medical researchers worldwide were still scratching their bald pates. At sixty-nine, she was still promulgating issue prodigiously.
Such a force in overcoming moribundity was her fecundity, That she was still summoning the stork, at ninety-five, By which time her issue numbered 564 2/4.
That year, when she blew out forty-seven cakes' worth of candles (Each taper on her angel-food desserts representing a son or daughter), She grew faint, collapsed, and lapsed into a decade-long coma,
During which she bequeathed the world an additional fifty-six kids. When Christ Jesus finally beckoned her to sit at His right hand, St. Ginger Free immediately gave birth to triplets.
03/19/09 - (1)
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